The devil is in the details

What comes around, goes around?

I'm still not really a fan of the blog yet, even though I keep writing in it. That probably explains why I haven't really circulated the URL much, although that may change. Up until now, I feel like I have been rather shallow in my posts; at least more shallow than I am in real life. I think that there are three potential reasons for the shallow-ness: first, that I have only been writing for a week and have been occupied by less deep thoughts during that week; second, that I have not been entirely comfortable admitting and declaring some of the deep thoughts that I have had lately; and third, that I am just considerably more vapid than I think I am. I'm not sure which of those reasons is the most important, though I suspect all are partially correct. I, for one, will be interested to see how that changes.

Earlier this evening, I was reading a magazine and came across the quote "Everyone evolves and people become more like themselves." Now, I can't vouch for the profundity of that statement, because the rest of the interview makes the speaker sound as if he has a rather poor command of the English language, but it made me think. At first I thought the whole idea was silly, but then I realized that it might have some merit. I have certainly changed in my 25 years, and I sometimes wonder if those changes are for the better, and how I will change in the future.

In high school, I had ups and downs like anyone else. For a lot of reasons, I think I put up a little bit of a wall between myself and others so that I could be shielded during social interactions. I definitely had more going on than people may have thought, but I was extremely conscious of being judged and wanted to limit that to some extent. Ultimately, I was rather upset with the person that everyone judged me to be, and wished that I had more choice in the matter. The downside was that I was also a bit introverted and I took a little while to warm up, which likely made some people decide that I was stuck-up.

All of that changed in college. I was considerably more outgoing (at least when alcohol was involved) and got to know a lot more people much better than I knew anyone in high school. I think that my college friends know me better than anyone else, and truly understand what is going on in my head. A lot of this stems from my assumption that I would not end up being viewed in the same way that I had been viewed in high school (that I would stack up to my college classmates differently than I had compared to my high school classmates) and therefore I didn't have to worry about judgement so much. I thought that I had a lot more power in shaping how I was percieved, so I was more generous in terms of giving out information about myself. The walls came down and there was a lot less spin.

Now, two and a half years later, I feel like I am tending back towards some of my high school tendencies. Partially, that is because I am drifting back towards being introverted in professional situations, so as not to do something that would have long lasting professional implications. I know that the impressions I make now are going to affect me far into the future. Of course, since the vast majority of people that I interact with are work either in my lab or are in my program, that really colors my actions. I'll admit that I do things that are silly often and sometimes share too much, but I would generally attribute that to not being able to be entirely open on a day to day basis. I've also noticed that I am getting some of the same judgements that I used to get. Since I hear those same sorts of perceptions (which bring the same demons that I used to run from-and they don't have anything to do with Wake Forest) in a setting entirely different from my high school setting, I realize that I need to get more comfortable with them, whether believe them or not, and that I need to start to accept them and incorporate them into my view of myself more. We'll see how that goes. Anyway, the more I feel the judgements, and the more I notice that I am being noticed for qualities other than the qualities which I value in myself, the more I have been shutting down. I have become considerably more introverted, and I can see the walls going up. I really wish that wasn't happening, because it also means that I have a much harder time opening up to people that I actually want to be open with. I also have a very different place in the social scheme here than I did before. (Note: I said DIFFERENT. Different means not the same. Different does not mean bad. Don't think that I am criticizing my friends here, because I am not, I am just saying that they are not the same as my college peeps. We've had this discussion before; you know who you are.) The people here are quite different from my friends in other places-they are interested in different things, we relate in different ways, and in the end they make my world a very different place. There was a little less choice involved with the graduate school friends as compared to the undergrad friends (there are only so many people in the graduate program) but that doesn't mean that I don't adore them just as much, and that they aren't as important to me. It just means that they stimulate and challenge me in different ways and that they allow my to express/be myself in different ways.

So the question comes: Do I act differently because of situational differences, or because my personality is evolving? (I would assume some of both) Can I say that all of the above qualities are parts of myself, or is one personna more me? How much choice do I have in the matter-how much can I direct who I am becoming? Is there a way that I can be comfortable enough with whatever version of me I end up with so that I can stop being so cautious with what parts of myself I disclose? Is is all some sort of screwy esteem problem? (I wouldn't say that I am particularly unhappy with myself; I just value some of my traits more than others and wish that everyone else would also find them to be my more noteworthy qualities, instead of focusing on something that I have never been particularly impressed by. ) Am I "evolving into myself?" Am I "evolving back to myself from being someone else before?" Will Sydney's mother return and vanquish the evil stalker Stavros? (Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to be writing Alias/soap opera dramatic copy, now am I? Ooops. I got a little carried away with questions there. Back to topic now) Is all of this just typical twenty-something angst? Do you all now think that I am crazy? (Stop shaking your head yes!)

In other news, I have some other non-shallow thoughts that lean more towards politics, but they can wait for another day. I've got some other stuff too, but this is getting long.

Oh-last bit of news....I am currently voice-less. (I'm sure it will be back tomorrow.) THAT is how much I screamed at the TV while watching the game. I think I will end up having nightmares. How frantic waving of the arms translates into a time-out is beyond me. Anyway, my general thought on the matter is Grrrrrr and WTF.

posted by Immunegirl @ 11:27 PM